Your friend has cancer. Now what?

When I got cancer at the age of twenty-seven, it was obvious that some of my friends were at a total loss for words when I told them the news. Not surprising, really - it can be difficult to know the "right" things to say when a friend has cancer - especially if you've never been in their shoes.

Here are some tips to get you pointed in the right direction:

• Don't feel like you need to know exactly what to say.
  Your friend isn't looking for you to relate to them - more than anything, they just want you to acknowledge that they have cancer. Something as simple as "I really don't know what to say, but I'm here for you" fits the bill just fine.

Me (wearing my wig!) and one of my dear Chicago friends

• You don't have to mention the "c-word" (cancer) every time you see or talk to your friend.
  This kind of goes back to the previous page - try your hardest to treat your friend the same way you did before they had cancer. Your friend will probably fill you in on his cancer treatments if there is anything he feels like sharing - if he doesn't mention it, then move the conversation along by telling him about your latest vacation or asking about his dog.



• On the same token, don't be afraid to talk about the cancer with your friend.
  If your friend has cancer, they may want to share with you what they are going through and how the treatments are progressing. Listen to your friend, and ask questions if you have them.



• Do not start any conversation by asking "How are you feeling?"
  This is a pet peeve of mine, and I'll explain why: When a person is going through cancer treatments, they're never going to feel "just peachy". Never.
  
  As such, more appropriate questions might be "How are the treatments going?" or "How many chemo treatments do you have left?" And try to work these questions into the conversation once it has already started - not as your opening greeting to the person.



• If your friend has cancer, they do not want to hear about someone else you know that has or had cancer.
  If they do want to know, they'll ask. There is a caveat to this one, however; you can use your past experiences of knowing others that have had cancer to relate to your friend.
  
  For example, you can say, "When my aunt had cancer, I went with her to a couple of her chemo appointments. If you'd like me to go with you to any of your treatments, I'd be more than happy to keep you company."



• Don't say, "I know how you feel."
  No, you don't. Not even if you had the same type of cancer in the past do you know exactly how your friend feels - every person handles situations differently, so there's no way to know how someone is feeling at that moment. End of story.



• Do not disappear off the face of the earth.
  A couple of my friends disappeared completely when they found out I had cancer. I knew that they knew I was sick, so after a month or so, I began to wonder why they hadn't at least emailed me to acknowledge that I had cancer. I have to admit - it really hurt me because I felt like they didn't care. Here I was, facing the biggest challenge of my life, and they weren't even cheering me on from the fringes.
  
  It wasn't until later, when I was almost done with cancer treatments, that I found out why one friend in particular had been M.I.A. I got a long letter from her in the mail. In it, she apologized for never acknowledging that I was sick - and she explained that she had acted that way because her father had died of cancer when she was younger; and the thought of someone younger than her and seemingly healthy getting cancer had terrified her so much that she had simply avoided contacting me. It was easier.
  
  I understood her fear, and, of course, I forgave her. But let this be a lesson to you - if you're scared because your friend has cancer, be strong and face the situation. You'll be glad you did.



• Your friend is in remission. Yea! What now?
  Celebrate with her - and then move on. She will, and she will want everyone else to move on, too.
  
  Even now, almost two years into remission, people I run into ask me, "How are you feeling?" I just smile sweetly and reply, "Fine, thanks," but what I really want to say is "I'm fine. How are YOU feeling?" People that have had cancer in the past don't want others to associate "cancer" with them for the rest of their lives. When someone asks me "how I'm feeling", I know exactly what they're thinking: "There's Ali. She had cancer. How horrible."
  
  Yep, it was horrible, but now it's over. Like my mother says, "Cancer is a word - not a sentence." In other words, cancer will always be a part of your friend's past, but it will never define them as a person.

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